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Thailand – Phuket what does The Fox have to say?

By THE FOX ... a (not so) innocent abroad

Aahh Phuket...oh yes... Thailand’s Right Hand, The Obelisk Isle, Ko Cosy, The Left Eye of the Dragon Tomb's Emperor Isle... Phuket is known as none of these... it is simply recognised as Thailand largest Single Island, and one of the Kingdoms primary tourist and ex-pat resident locations. What can one say that hasn’t been said before...? Well, quite a lot, on this particular website - editorial wasteland that it is!

Yet wasteland is certainly NOT a description that can be applied to Phuket ... indeed, its intrinsic natural beauty, and extensive disproportionate beachfront ratio, render Phuket a prime target for property developers up to the highest calibre. If you have a spare 15m Thai baht (300,000 at today’s rate), you could buy a superb villa in a beachfront location, probably with 4 double bedrooms and bathrooms, a private pool, in many of the 25 or so recognised beach locations around the island of Phuket. For those with more modest means and tastes, 3m Thai Baht will buy a nice condo!

But so much for the property market...! Who really cares, after all! Most of you reading this want to know about hotel rates , day and night fun fun fun options, and practicalities such as travel, communications, shopping, food and holiday romances (avoiding the ladyboy honey trap).But wait, fear not, all these important topics shall be addressed, Oh Yes!

But, lets start with Phuket airport... it is quite centrally located, a 75 minute flight south west of Bangkok ,is of (almost, sort of second rate, regional... think Southampton...) international standard, and receives both scheduled and charter international flights worldwide, and copious numbers of internal flights from Thailand’s extensive national air network. If you are travelling from within Thailand, most flights will have set you back around 3000 baht one way, on airlines like Bangkok Air, One Two Go, Thai Air Asia, Thai Airways etc. An efficient range of taxi/minibus services are always available, with most resorts costing under 1000 baht for a cab that seats up to four. Most taxi routes will stop en route to your destination and try to usher you into a hotel booking agency. If you haven’t already booked somewhere, don’t worry...these places can save you money, uncertainty and hassle when you arrive at your resort. Indeed, the one on route to Patong was instrumental in recommending the Patong Premier Resort, which was so nice I’ve used it ever since... though I’ve never managed to negotiate as cheap a price as the agency did!

And Talking of Patong, it is undoubtedly THE fun resort of Phuket, and as such attracts visits from such icons as Pete Doherty (once famously spotted staggering around shouting "where's the smack round here...WHERE’S THE SMACK ROUND HERE!!??) , Roger Federer , Stephen Hendry (once famously spotted staggering around shouting " where’s a decent snooker table round here...WHERE’S A DECENT SNOOKER TABLE!!?"), and a host of models, actresses, cocktail waitresses, dental hygienists, and bi-curiouses... by the busload...THE BUSLOAD, I tell you! One wonders when it will ever end. Probably never, for Patong is constantly expanding its borders and Borders bookstores are ever-expanding within Patongs expanding borders. Shall I repeat that No? O.K... Anyway, the point being... 6 years ago, when I first went to Patong, yeah, it was O.K. for a week, but, well, it was too small and limited for my taste! However, drab shanty market areas have been redeveloped into the JUNG CEYLON multi facet shopping and leisure centre, which sprawls over about 5 acres of, prime downtown Patong. It features supermarkets, brand and independent multiple retailers, a sumptuous multi-screen cinema complex, a huge bowling alley, and a couple of hotels, all within a themed and landscaped environment! Very nice too! And its just across the road from Patongs main entertainment road, BangLa... hard to describe... a sort of heavenly hell, or hellish heaven, or , I suppose , a purgatory environment you'd be happy to spend a week or two in before heading for the...

'Night'! Clubs, live music venues, bars, hundreds of coyote dancers dressed very provocatively, gyrating sexily around poles for all to see, wall to wall sports screens showing all Live euro sports events, restaurants too numerous and varied to detail, pool halls and massage parlours every 30 yards, and the legendary Ladyboy Corner ! Leave your bigotry and machismo back at the hotel, and enjoy seeing, joking with, and being photographed with the most beautiful boys you’re ever likely to see... some post operative of course, but others only half way there...yet still showing their knickers and inviting a feel! It’s not a patch on Pattaya's legendary Walking St, but it’s pretty good nevertheless!

Nearby as well, you’ll see The Hardrock Cafe, and Rock City, a live venue regularly played by AC/DC, Motorhead, Def Leppard and Iron Maiden...or so the hoardings will tell you. Look (very) carefully at the (very) small print and you might spot a reference to "tribute”! But that’s Thailand! Reader, payer, buyer, punter, tourist, beware! Hotels around Patong range from 700 baht a night for a clean, air conditioned guest house up to 7/ 8/ 10,000 baht a night 5 star establishments. They are plentiful and readily available most times... it’s your choice!

Patong is a bay...its wide, sandy beach is about two miles long, and can’t be faulted! The sea is warm and clear, the views are beautiful, dining and drinking is at hand, and watersports are plentiful. The hawkers are pretty overpowering at times, yet, if you wanted to, you could almost furnish and accessorise a whole apartment from the comfort of your sunlounger! There are always compensations! Patong is also good as a base from which to explore at least another 5 beach resorts of differing sizes and styles, (Karon, Kalin, Surin, BangToa, Kata) and all potential holiday destinations in their own right ... but small and quiet. All manner of land and sea day or weekend trips are readily available to be booked , on almost any street corner... activities include rock climbing, white water rafting, elephant trekking, diving, snorkelling, off roading, weaponry shooting... really, the selection never ends! Islands can be visited such as Phi Phi, James Bond Island, and The Similans on fun day trips, where the transit, on huge, fast speedboats, is as much fun as the destinations themselves! The Thais are masters at human logistics... it all appears chaotic, yet its very organised and efficient, always to timetable, and they normally provide more than what’s promised... never less!

Back on land, there’s always Phuket Town, which, personally, I wouldn’t visit for more than an hour...it’s an insult to the word ‘town’, and if you really must go to a suburban shopping mall, you can spend the day at Central... if you must! Motorbike hire averages at about 200 baht a day, and car hire at about 1100 a day... don’t for a moment imagine that any insurance they offer is fully comprehensive though! There’s more catches than during an England five test series! And that goes for the readily available women waiting to seduce you... take care...they are fun and alluring...and cheap... but don’t be a victim. Remember, it’s a business arrangement for them... don’t forget it! As I said earlier...buyer beware!

Incidentally, Phuket is only an island due to a 200 metre stretch of sea at its Northern end that separates it from the Pang Na coast... Thailand’s South Western coastline. If you do hire a car, head to the airport bypass, follow the signs to Pang Na and traverse the dual carriageway bridge into the mainland. 70 kilometres or so further, you’ll hit a coastline featuring the resorts of Kao Lak, Bang Niang and Laeng Bakalak, all within a 30k stretch... stunning in their beauty and beaches, 5 star resorts and near-deserted beach hut resorts. If you want to get off Phuket for 3 days or so, go explore! So, what can I tell you? Phuket, as a single holiday destination or part of a multi resort extravaganza, is a must. It is very typical of the Thailand most westerners imagine, and will certainly whet your appetite to explore the vast country of Thailand in far greater detail! Phuket was my first Thailand destination, and I was immediately hooked. Check it out!

ENJOY!

The Fox

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